No.86 - Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

it is almost time to bid farewell to 2010 and to welcome 2011.

overall, 2010 has been a great year. many ups and downs, well, that is what life is all about, right? my brain does not have enough capacity to remember every single thing that happened this year, therefore i will not be able to jot everything here. whatever that are going to be jotted here will be the ones that are significant to me.

i think the most significant thing happened this year is regarding my studies. this is some sort a chain reaction.

let me start it off by the efforts i put in for my studies. what happened for my stpm will always and forever be a bitter lesson for me. i would say it was a blessing in disguise? from there, i learnt that i have to strive to achieve what i want. so constant study is the perfect method and i managed to obtain quite excellent result for my 1st professional examination. in between that journey of studying, a motivation/inspiration came in - the search to obtain a scholarship.

to get myself into a medical school, i promised to my mother that she does not have to worry about the financial part as i will work hard to obtain a scholarship. somewhere around march, the registration for Biasiswa Tunku Abdul Rahman was opened for 1st year university students. so i tried my luck, quite last minute too due to having to get recommendation from VC. this mattered a lot to me. the interview was held in the university itself, 18 of us were short-listed. i felt the interview went quite well, only after that that i found out the interviewer was the CEO of the Foundation. a week or two later, 15 got e-mail that they did not make it for the camp. i waited for almost 2weeks more for my e-mail, i was selected for an evaluation camp. the best part was the camp was a week away from my finals. out of the 3 selected from my uni, only 2 of us went and we had loads of fun there, no regrets attending although it halted the smooth process of revision. completed my finals and was on holiday. i made it through to the final round of interview, chances to get the scholarship is very high provided i do well in my finals. and thank God, i did well in both the interview and my finals and i earned the greatest gift for 2010 - I am proud to be a Tunku Scholar.

life has been great ever since then as i need not worry about my fees anymore. moreover with the allowance i am getting, it means better quality of life. but nothing comes by easily. i have to maintain my results, which i am ever working hard for that. getting this scholarship reduces the financial burden of my family, thus better quality of life for everyone at home too. therefore, i am proud to say i have kept one of the biggest promises i ever made in my life. so, now can you see the chain reaction i meant?

me ---> study ---> family

but the greatest thing behind everything is GOD. He sees me through every single obstacles in life. what more can i ask for from Him, nothing but continuous guidance, blessing and love.

other than this, i think nothing so significant to be mentioned here, especially when i am trying to savour every single second of my holiday now. so, i think i should end here. another thing to finish the year memorably is that i will reading later in church. AMEN.

So, Bye Bye 2010, Hello 2011.

No.85 - Justin Bieber - Pray

This is a very meaningful song by Justin Bieber.

Let us all pray more, for the world to be a better place.

No.84 - The Last Song

this holiday, i managed to finish reading The Last Song. i started reading in September, was occupied with academic stuff, so did not have the chance to bullet-train through it.

what more significant is that this is the 1st storybook i owned, i bought it with my own money. and it worth every single cent. loves how Nicholas Sparks writes. read another of his before this, Dear John.

at first, i thought it would be more towards the love story between a girl and a boy, but Nic has the ability to turn the story around, it is actually the love story between a dad and his daughter. i am bad at doing review of what i read, so i think it is best i do not write it here.

will search for the movie soon and see how different the story from the movie. and the book.. i will do something about it. to share the love in the world...

No.83 - Merry Christmas

‘Dad, why is there only one Christmas present for me under the Christmas tree this time?’

‘Boy, Uncle Sam and Auntie Mary are not giving present this year because Grandpa passed away early this year. They are not celebrating Christmas.’

‘What about presents from Auntie Julie and Auntie Lucy? They do not share the same father as Uncle Sam and you, right?’

‘They are also not giving as a sign of respect that we are not celebrating Christmas for this year. I am sorry, Boy, but you still have present from Mom and Dad, right? It is a very big one as you can see.’

‘If you said that we are not celebrating this year, why then, Mom and you still put up the Christmas tree and prepared a gift for me?’

‘Because, it is Christmas, my son…’

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For many years I have left home to pursue greater things in life, I have always looked forward to board a flight back to my hometown before the year ends.

I have always looked forward to seeing my loved ones welcome me at the airport.

I have always looked forward to be in the well-decorated home, the place where I grown up.

I have always looked forward to indulge myself with the wonderful delicacies my Mom prepares.

But most of all, I have always looked forward to spending precious and memorable moments with all my loved ones; Dad, Mom, Sis Janet, Bro Daniel and his family, and last but not least, my Sweetheart and my two precious princesses.

The beginning of a year is always dreadful for me, having had to part with my loved ones for my duty, knowing that I only can return to their loving arms in months’ time. It is not easy for me, as I am person who is very close to every single member of my family, especially with my Dad.

Dad had always been my pillar of my strength, for as long as I can remember.

When I was three, he was the one who consoled and assured me that my two front teeth will grow back very soon after they came off due to a punch a seven year-old boy gave to my face.

When I was five, he was the one who accompanied me and sat right beside me for four hours for two months as I could not adapt to the new environment when I first enrolled for pre-school.

When I was thirteen, he came and supported me when I represented my school for a football competition when no one in my family believed I can actually play football.

When I was eighteen, he sat with me all through the night at the balcony after I failed my Chemistry paper to make sure that I will not do anything stupid to myself.

When I was twenty-one, he told me that he was proud of me and asked me to decide on my own what I would like to do in future. He understood that I should decide for myself what I want in order for me to love what I want to do for the rest of my life.

When I was twenty-seven, he was the one who ensured that my wedding ceremony went on smoothly. What made it more memorable was he had just completed his bypass surgery two months earlier.

But most importantly, he was the one who I can always run to whenever I have any problem; he was the one who I can speak to about anything in my life; he was the one who can sense that I am not feeling well without needing me to say anything.

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As I board the plane this time, it is a very different feeling compared to the ones I always had. The feeling of incomplete, lost and most of all, emptiness. It will be very different this time around. I contemplated on whether I should go back this time or not as I know it will be very hard for me to handle the situation.

For I never knew this moment would come by so soon, it hit me quite hard for when every time I think about it, I could not help but let my tears flow.

For I know that this time as I land my feet at the airport, there will be one less person to welcome me.

For I know that this time there will be one less person in the home where I have so much memories that I treasure all my life.

For I know that this time there will be one less person to share the scrumptious food Mom makes.

But most of all, this time I will have one less person to spend the joyous season with; one less person to share all the stories about my work, my students and my life abroad.

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God loves Dad more than all of us. He took him away a week shy of his birthday. The flight back to see him for his last few hours was the most dreadful flight ever for me. All the thoughts ran through my mind, wishing that I could have spent more time with him; wishing that I did not have to be abroad all the time.

I can still remember that moment vividly. All were already in the room, waiting for my arrival. As I entered the room, I could see the faces of all my loved ones. The look of sadness and the silence overwhelmed the room. And Dad was lying on the bed, looking lifeless with an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. My heart sank.

Dad lifted his hand and asked me to go towards him. With heavy feet and heart, I extended my hand to hold his. It was cold. I miss the warm hand I used to hold whenever I needed comfort.

‘Boy…’

Just the way he used to call me when I was young.

‘Yes, Dad…’

‘Remember when you were young, during Christmas the year Grandpa passed away, you asked why there was only one present for you, not many like the years before and I answered ‘Because it is Christmas’?’

‘Yes, Dad, I can remember…’

‘That was because I wanted you to know that no matter what the situation is, Christmas should be celebrated for the reason it is celebrated. In my situation now, I do not think I will be there for the next Christmas. But no matter what, I want you to promise me that you will be back for Christmas to celebrate it with everyone, especially Mom. I want you to take good care of her, talk to her like how you have always shared your stories with me and most importantly, all of you to go to church together in the morning of Christmas.’

‘But, Dad…..’

‘No ‘but’, my son. Christmas is the day to celebrate the birth of our Saviour, the one who gave up His life to cleanse us all from our sins. My death will mean that I am going to where I came from, to Him the Almighty; therefore I do not want you all to mourn and lost the essence of Christmas. Therefore, I want the next Christmas to be just the same like when I am there; a week before Christmas spent decorating the home and Christmas tree; the night before Christmas spent gathering around the tree, counting down to 12am and the kids joyfully open their presents; the morning of Christmas spent attending mass and the rest of the day spent together sharing and counting your blessings with all the loved ones.’

I could no longer hold back my tears. The tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on my hand that was holding Dad’s hand. I strengthened my grip on his hand to assure him and said,

‘I will, Dad. Do not worry. You have always taught me that there is no one greater than the Lord and Christmas is about His glory and love and it is also the reason we are who and where we are today. And for that, I should be thankfully that God loves you very much, Dad. I thank Him for giving you to me; for all the love you gave to us; for all the care you showered us with; and most importantly, for being the head of the family who is always there for us.’

Dad tried his best to smile the widest he could. I could see the calmness in his face; no sign of suffering, pain or struggle. I could feel that the grip of his hand is slowly getting loosed. Everyone then gathered around his bed and tried to get hold of his hand. He managed to look at the teary faces and gave a smile and said,

‘I love all of you very much and I thank God every single day for every single one of you……..’

Saying his last sentence and looking at Mom, he then breathed his last and his hand slipped away from my hand.

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So this time, holding on to the promise I made to my Dad, I boarded the plane, knowing that Dad will always be there, in our hearts, to celebrate this joyful season with us. For Christmas is the reason I have Dad in my life, for the birth of Christ brings salvation to the Earth and to my family, I looked forward to be embraced by my loved ones this Christmas as I reach home.

I love you, Dad. Merry Christmas.

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Written with inspiration, I wrote this piece randomly. For this Christmas 2010. Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year 2011.

No.82 - Chances

i think another chance is all i need for these situations.

situation 1 : i am the leader of the flock. but i wasn't able to standby them for what they could not do. instead, i shy away and regret in the end, thinking of what might have been for if i could have backed them up.
so i just wished i have a chance to turn back the time and do what i supposed to do and save the shame. i'm stupid.

situation 2 : knowing my hero turned zero and giving the now-zero wrong treatment without knowing i did that. the best part was i am not too certain of what made my hero turned zero.
therefore, i think another chance is appropriate to be given for my hero to prove that zero is not the new label to be given.

chances are to be grabbed the moment they come by for they only come by chances, not all the time. therefore, i will try not to waste anymore chances that are to come.

No.81 - It Doesn't Matter

yes, it doesn't matter what you did as long as you're aware that it is right. you do not need to think what others might say about it.

self-conscious is the best.

yes, it doesn't matter what others want to think about how i feel, how i act, how i react and how i behave as long as i know i'm pleasing myself and not hurting others.

so, i decided i'll continue to do what i'm doing as long as i'm happy with it.

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it is temporary break now but i actually have a long list to complete. but it is ok, at least a little different from the routine i've been doing for a full month.

No.80 - Everything?

will love prevails everything? that is the question of the day.

they asked me whether do i have one and the following questions. all i could answer them was 'nothing last forever and the future is uncertain'. that left them puzzled why i said so.

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at first when i look at them, i had not-so-nice impression of them. but it changed. they are nice actually and i came up with a conclusion they are just meant to be, on the day i saw her touching his back and he wanted to hold her hand but it was not appropriate at that time. and their smiles confirmed everything. S & S.

i never understood why they are so different, one is so serious looking, another is smiling and cracking jokes all the time. but i realised soon, that it all doesnt matter. love is what brought them together and noone has the rights to say whether they both are compatible or not. he goes looking for her, she goes looking for him. and they are everywhere together, even up till this age. and i wish to know more of their love story after hearing how she made his life more meaningful at one point of time. R & B.

i knew why he is hers. i know how much protection he will give if anything is to happen to her because i could feel that 'aura' when im nearby. and everything that happens day by day as i get to know more about him, im certain why she wants him. he stays for her, even to the extend of slightly letting go of his roots. N & _

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so, will i have such story to tell in future? as i said, the future is uncertain. but all i know is that if you are mine, you are mine and i am yours and you are to accept whatever i have and i have to accept whatever you have - and that is actually the biggest obstacle.

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so, the question of the day is - Will Love Prevails Everything?

No.79 - Stories

i may not have the best story to write. it might actually be the worst story anyone can ever read. for that reason, it is left unwritten, only to be found written / etched on my tiny broken heart.

but it is best to remain this way because there are many more fairytales / wonderful stories to be told by others.

but one day when everything ends, somehow it will be made known so that everyone knows what the little pumping machine had been going through and they will know the impact it made throughout its functioning period in this world.

at that time, i will triumph. yes, i will. then i can sing from above/below,

'though i've gone away, i still see what you going through,

it kills me everyday to see i kill what means most to you,

but know that it is ok that i'm right here watching you.'

in the end, testimony is the best story that can ever be told because it is what you've been through; it is what that shaped you to who and what you are today; most importantly, you are the living evidence / proof of the story being told.

wish you would appreciate me more....

No.78 - Persevere

' loving what you are doing is enough to keep you doing what you are doing '

as simple as that, i will persevere and go against all odds, despite circumstances and criticisms.

No.77 - Dream

which is a bigger dream?

to get something we know we will never get though giving a try is better than none?

OR

to just aim for something we know we can get if we work hard for it?

for me, its the former.

at this situation, letting go of what i have and reaching for what i do not have is all i want to do, maybe. i do not know exactly, actually.

No.76 - Just The Way You Are

just the way you are.

yes, that is exactly how people will judge you. the thing you do, the thing you dont do. so, behave well. when you win, be thankful for your victory and live up to the expectations. when you lose, be thankful for finishing second to the best and improve yourself. for people will love/like you just the way you are, not for what you want or hope to be.

yes, and i love you just the way you are, fat or short or ugly, you are still you.

so, just the way you are.

*bruno mars' just the way you are* - lovely song and videoclip.

No.75 - 20

now that i am 20, it only means im getting older.

but thats not all. not just a simple fullstop.

it goes on and on and on.

bigger and more responsibilities.

expectations to meet.

but by the grace of God, nothing is impossible.

so i shall continue to persevere and do the best i can.

for He provides me with everything He thinks is best for me.

and i thank Him for all that i have today.

AMEN.

No.74 - When one ends, another starts.

my holiday is coming to an end in less than 24hours, which means its the beginning of my 2nd year. all good things come to an end, same goes to my holiday. after approximately 7weeks of break, im heading back to my battle field, this time with greater challenges.

im glad that i had this break, i needed it most after going through quite a hectic 1month battling the Finals and all the constant study throughout the 11months. and i would say that i would not exchange anything in this world for this break i had.

significant things i did during this precious break :

1. spent as much time as possible with the ones i loved, am loving and will always love

2. enjoy home-cooked food

3. many badminton sessions

4. read 2storybooks (my previous post)

5. not touching academic books

6. relax and sleep all i want (still not enough actually, damn)

7. kept one of the biggest promises ive ever made in my life (thank God for it)

and now im looking forward for the next holiday. routines will be starting on monday. just hope everything turns out fine. i want to keep everything well, but im not sure whether i have the strength or not. but for all i know, with Him, nothing is impossible.

No.73 - Storybooks

completed 2 storybooks during this break (which is about to end in 3days' time).

My Sister's Keeper and Dear John.

the 1st one took me almost a month to finish, it was quite draggy and it has been quite some time since i last read a storybook. so it was quite difficult to get into the 'rhythm' at 1st. one day few pages and when almost time to return the book, it was bullet-train speed. the details on how the girl filed the case against her parents was too detailed but the end was really a twist, did not expect it. searching for the dvd, it was somewhere at home but now nowhere to be seen.

the 2nd one took me...FOUR days, yes, F-O-U-R! the fastest i ever took to finish a storybook. i think the flow for storybooks is there now. and i must tell that i love reading storybooks that doesnt have quite a happy ending for a party and it somehow must be love story, whether family love, sisterly love or boy-girl love. i felt i could relate to this story (i can't tell why and how). the dvd is waiting for me to watch. shall do so tomorrow or day after tomorrow. my favourite line from this book :

'Love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.'

next up, trying to get my hands on The Last Song, also by Nicholas Sparks. just like all his stories. although i did not read A Walk to Remember and The Notebook, i watched both the movies. just lovely. his talent of writing love stories.

No.72 - Barriers

barriers are made, i believe. they just do not appear or exist just like that. its man-made. for example, a person mentioned he/she cannot change for the reason of being too used to the normal way. in this way, he/she has already set his/her mind that way, so obviously the change cannot be made.

hearts and minds should be opened all the time to accept and to make changes in life. if barriers are always present, we will miss the chance to experience things in life: to live life to the fullest, to laugh your lungs out and to love like you have never been loved before.

No.71 - How Holiday Has Been

it feels weird having such long holiday without needing to touch the books. for the past 1year, each holiday is filled with books. this time no books. its quite dull actually but slowly am finding things to do. a lot of movies and series to watch and also books (storybooks or any books not related to academic).

exercise, for the time being is on the break for a specific reason. will be back playing badminton, jogging and cycling next week probably, hopefully.

trip over the sea cancelled for a very huge event. hopefully its really worth it for He has guided me this far, im sure He would not disappoint me.

i think thats all for now. just ensuring the blog does not die off.

No.70 - 1/5 completed

yes, 1/5 of the journey is completed but not confirmed yet as results are not out, everything uncertain. it will take a week or two to really conclude my 1st year.

it felt as if it was only last month that i registered for the course. how time flies. had 3 weeks of study break before the finals, was struggling and complaining how the 3 weeks of studying and 3 weeks of exam will be a hell. but its gone like the wind and im starting my almost-2-months-holiday now.

2 superbly important things await me this period. hope both turn out well. they're correlated.

other than that, will be enjoying my holiday. sports, family, outings, home, friends and love. :)

have many things on my mind to complete. many goals. :)

cant wait.

Ask and you shall receive. He will guide you through it. :)

No.69 - Just want to

BLOG

yes, just want to blog.

posting one post before i start my journey, journey to complete the 1st year.

yes, complete my 1st year as a medical student.

medical student who had, is having and going to have her share of fun (relaxing and chilling) and also studying (not-so-fun-part at times).

so far, im satisfied with everything, things around me and myself.

sometimes i satisfy myself by not satisfying others. i have to, thats myself. if you think you can change me, think twice or maybe think infinity.

so to those not satisfied with me for not satisfying them, please make way for me, sorry and thank you.

i guess thats all for now. just completed my 4th assessment yesterday. took almost a day off, now gotta start my 'engine' again. finals is 3weeks away and i have a 3days camp in between. how great, right? and in a month time itself, i fell sick twice. this is very rare. so i think after this, my life until my finals end will be the same as the equation below.

Life from 22.05.2010 until 7.7.2010 (hopefully i will not get viva for the bad reason) = sleep + eat + bathe + fun (tv,music,friends,online,sports) + STUDY

so, see you guys again.

No.68 -

im bad at writing. this is the 2nd time that i typed something, then i decided to backspace the whole thing because there was no more flow as i kept on writing. thus this post is title-less.

anyway, life has been filled with fun lately, but studies have been put aside. 1month more towards the next assessment, 2months more towards finals.

so i guess its time to buckle up the seat belt and get into the journey towards completing 1st year.

to those who are facing and are going to face their examinations, good luck and all the best.

No.67 - Comes to An End

My holiday is coming to an end. Today is Saturday, tomorrow Il be taking bus back to uni. How fast time flies. Am still doing my holiday's work, so do you think this should be called H-O-L-I-D-A-Y? I refered to the Concise Oxford Dictionary and holiday is defined as period when no work is done. So I think I DID NOT have a holiday. Its just days without classes. Haha!

Overall, this holiday is fun. Had relaxation. Had 4 sessions of badminton in a week, I LOVE it. SLEEP until 9 plus in the morning (yeah, I know most of you would be saying '9 plus? Hello! Thats SOOO early!', but for me, thats like very late because Im used to getting up by 8plus). Not forgetting, EAT like a pig. Watched Up (at least I watched A movie this off). So, I can summed up that this time off is quite fulfilling for me.

The next time I will be having off will be....during middle of May...which is actually my study break for my FINALS! OH MY! See...how fast time flies. By then, I will be so close to completing my first year as Medical student. I hope I will pass the first year with flying colours and in the process of it, I hope I will enjoy and grow more in many ways, BUT most of all not grow sideways! (you know what I mean...)

I think thats all for now. Just the sudden urge to blog after reading one of my friend's blog, she wrote so long. Gotta have my lunch and resume with my undone work. Two things yet to be completed.

Till then, goodbye~

No.66 - Studies and Sports

such a lame title, cant think of what to name this post.

so basically, based on the title, the past weeks had been filled with studies and sports.

i just finished my 3rd continuous assessment. actually its not complete yet as they postponed the last paper due to some 'eeyor' reasons. but its okay, its gonna be ethics only. overall i think i did badly for the 5papers. so lets just wait for the results.

so thats the studies part, now come the sports part. manchester united blasted 4 goals against ac milan. how about that? rooney's on form currently, hope he maintains it until the season ends and during world cup. and the carling cup is already manutd's, champions league in quarter-final, league currently 1st although chelsea has a game in hand. football aside, badminton now. last night watched how lee chong wei managed to pull himself back into the game after trailing to the young japanese guy. lin dan got knocked out in the quarters. so it was all chong wei's, he can 'murder' himself had he not win it. sports...myself gonna play badminton for few days this week...because im currently on..............

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H-O-L-I-D-A-Y!!!

~BYE~

No.65 - How Time Flies..

roughly a year ago, i received my stpm result, thinking its the end of my dream. but God certainly has His way in everything.

now, another batch after me already received their stpm results and im already 1/10 in my journey towards my dream. thats how time flies...

every now and then you hear me saying exam is coming, exam is nearing. ya, nonstop. next one is just days away but im topicSSSSS away. ya, note the amount of 'S'. and time will fly and i hope i will pass with flying colours too.

there is nothing much to update lately. quite a few been asking me to update my blog. somehow i chose this odd time to update it. everyone is busy studying, im busy chewing crackers and blogging. way to go, joyce!

shall blog when im done with the exam. shall get myself some time off also. the heat is killing me softly...

No.64 - Happy Chinese New Year 2010

after a long absence from my blog, im finally back. nothing much to update about actually. just to wish Happy CNY and also jot down a thing or two.

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2nd Chinese New Year without my grandmother. the feeling of something's missing and the feeling got stronger as i was watching Money Not Enough 2. even though ive watched it before, yet the impact was still there. im sure someone felt it even more... no longer the same CNY.

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this holiday is not exactly holiday, as usual, the need to catch up on my studies. ive yet to obtain the complete result for my 2nd CA, and the 3rd CA is just around the corner. this is called No Mercy. this term is really packed, practically everyday morning till evening classes. exhausted by the time the sun sets.

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i think thats all for now. so the above picture is from the CNY BBQ Gathering we had on Friday's night. catching up with all, without Amy, sadly. was supposed to have video conference but her internet just had to show its temper on that night. urgh.

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thats all folks. till then,

Happy Chinese New Year

and

Happy Valentine's Day!

No.63 - .........

no title for this post?

its because im speechless, cant think.

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just completed my 2nd continuous assessment. am supposed to be really joyful, but no. sad. yes, SAD.

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why? just because of ONE word.

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ALLAH

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just incase you do not know, churches being petrol-bombed, cars with rosary/crucifix are smashed. just because of ONE word.

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ALLAH

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just see how uncivilized human beings can be. do they even qualified to be classified as human beings??

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for years, we, non-malays have been singing our state's anthem, having the word Allah in it. do we complain? no! because it merely means God. then why is the fuss now? and when a malay writes an essay, mentioning about the Creator, for surely he/she uses the word God instead of Allah. so should we sue them? no! because it doesnt say that God only can be used by non-Muslims.

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and even if you are unsatisfied with such decision, so many things can be done the right way, no bombing a holy, worship place. your Allah will be so shameful of your character. better think of what you are doing now as continue doing this might just bring Malaysia to a greater level of destruction - DISUNITY.

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1Malaysia is just so yesterday and B**LS**T.

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if this way of me expressing my thoughts will land me in ISA, i hope most of you will be by my side, supporting me. at least im more civilized than 'the rest'.

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prays that everything will be alright soon. Lord, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.