No.86 - Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

it is almost time to bid farewell to 2010 and to welcome 2011.

overall, 2010 has been a great year. many ups and downs, well, that is what life is all about, right? my brain does not have enough capacity to remember every single thing that happened this year, therefore i will not be able to jot everything here. whatever that are going to be jotted here will be the ones that are significant to me.

i think the most significant thing happened this year is regarding my studies. this is some sort a chain reaction.

let me start it off by the efforts i put in for my studies. what happened for my stpm will always and forever be a bitter lesson for me. i would say it was a blessing in disguise? from there, i learnt that i have to strive to achieve what i want. so constant study is the perfect method and i managed to obtain quite excellent result for my 1st professional examination. in between that journey of studying, a motivation/inspiration came in - the search to obtain a scholarship.

to get myself into a medical school, i promised to my mother that she does not have to worry about the financial part as i will work hard to obtain a scholarship. somewhere around march, the registration for Biasiswa Tunku Abdul Rahman was opened for 1st year university students. so i tried my luck, quite last minute too due to having to get recommendation from VC. this mattered a lot to me. the interview was held in the university itself, 18 of us were short-listed. i felt the interview went quite well, only after that that i found out the interviewer was the CEO of the Foundation. a week or two later, 15 got e-mail that they did not make it for the camp. i waited for almost 2weeks more for my e-mail, i was selected for an evaluation camp. the best part was the camp was a week away from my finals. out of the 3 selected from my uni, only 2 of us went and we had loads of fun there, no regrets attending although it halted the smooth process of revision. completed my finals and was on holiday. i made it through to the final round of interview, chances to get the scholarship is very high provided i do well in my finals. and thank God, i did well in both the interview and my finals and i earned the greatest gift for 2010 - I am proud to be a Tunku Scholar.

life has been great ever since then as i need not worry about my fees anymore. moreover with the allowance i am getting, it means better quality of life. but nothing comes by easily. i have to maintain my results, which i am ever working hard for that. getting this scholarship reduces the financial burden of my family, thus better quality of life for everyone at home too. therefore, i am proud to say i have kept one of the biggest promises i ever made in my life. so, now can you see the chain reaction i meant?

me ---> study ---> family

but the greatest thing behind everything is GOD. He sees me through every single obstacles in life. what more can i ask for from Him, nothing but continuous guidance, blessing and love.

other than this, i think nothing so significant to be mentioned here, especially when i am trying to savour every single second of my holiday now. so, i think i should end here. another thing to finish the year memorably is that i will reading later in church. AMEN.

So, Bye Bye 2010, Hello 2011.

No.85 - Justin Bieber - Pray

This is a very meaningful song by Justin Bieber.

Let us all pray more, for the world to be a better place.

No.84 - The Last Song

this holiday, i managed to finish reading The Last Song. i started reading in September, was occupied with academic stuff, so did not have the chance to bullet-train through it.

what more significant is that this is the 1st storybook i owned, i bought it with my own money. and it worth every single cent. loves how Nicholas Sparks writes. read another of his before this, Dear John.

at first, i thought it would be more towards the love story between a girl and a boy, but Nic has the ability to turn the story around, it is actually the love story between a dad and his daughter. i am bad at doing review of what i read, so i think it is best i do not write it here.

will search for the movie soon and see how different the story from the movie. and the book.. i will do something about it. to share the love in the world...

No.83 - Merry Christmas

‘Dad, why is there only one Christmas present for me under the Christmas tree this time?’

‘Boy, Uncle Sam and Auntie Mary are not giving present this year because Grandpa passed away early this year. They are not celebrating Christmas.’

‘What about presents from Auntie Julie and Auntie Lucy? They do not share the same father as Uncle Sam and you, right?’

‘They are also not giving as a sign of respect that we are not celebrating Christmas for this year. I am sorry, Boy, but you still have present from Mom and Dad, right? It is a very big one as you can see.’

‘If you said that we are not celebrating this year, why then, Mom and you still put up the Christmas tree and prepared a gift for me?’

‘Because, it is Christmas, my son…’

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For many years I have left home to pursue greater things in life, I have always looked forward to board a flight back to my hometown before the year ends.

I have always looked forward to seeing my loved ones welcome me at the airport.

I have always looked forward to be in the well-decorated home, the place where I grown up.

I have always looked forward to indulge myself with the wonderful delicacies my Mom prepares.

But most of all, I have always looked forward to spending precious and memorable moments with all my loved ones; Dad, Mom, Sis Janet, Bro Daniel and his family, and last but not least, my Sweetheart and my two precious princesses.

The beginning of a year is always dreadful for me, having had to part with my loved ones for my duty, knowing that I only can return to their loving arms in months’ time. It is not easy for me, as I am person who is very close to every single member of my family, especially with my Dad.

Dad had always been my pillar of my strength, for as long as I can remember.

When I was three, he was the one who consoled and assured me that my two front teeth will grow back very soon after they came off due to a punch a seven year-old boy gave to my face.

When I was five, he was the one who accompanied me and sat right beside me for four hours for two months as I could not adapt to the new environment when I first enrolled for pre-school.

When I was thirteen, he came and supported me when I represented my school for a football competition when no one in my family believed I can actually play football.

When I was eighteen, he sat with me all through the night at the balcony after I failed my Chemistry paper to make sure that I will not do anything stupid to myself.

When I was twenty-one, he told me that he was proud of me and asked me to decide on my own what I would like to do in future. He understood that I should decide for myself what I want in order for me to love what I want to do for the rest of my life.

When I was twenty-seven, he was the one who ensured that my wedding ceremony went on smoothly. What made it more memorable was he had just completed his bypass surgery two months earlier.

But most importantly, he was the one who I can always run to whenever I have any problem; he was the one who I can speak to about anything in my life; he was the one who can sense that I am not feeling well without needing me to say anything.

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As I board the plane this time, it is a very different feeling compared to the ones I always had. The feeling of incomplete, lost and most of all, emptiness. It will be very different this time around. I contemplated on whether I should go back this time or not as I know it will be very hard for me to handle the situation.

For I never knew this moment would come by so soon, it hit me quite hard for when every time I think about it, I could not help but let my tears flow.

For I know that this time as I land my feet at the airport, there will be one less person to welcome me.

For I know that this time there will be one less person in the home where I have so much memories that I treasure all my life.

For I know that this time there will be one less person to share the scrumptious food Mom makes.

But most of all, this time I will have one less person to spend the joyous season with; one less person to share all the stories about my work, my students and my life abroad.

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God loves Dad more than all of us. He took him away a week shy of his birthday. The flight back to see him for his last few hours was the most dreadful flight ever for me. All the thoughts ran through my mind, wishing that I could have spent more time with him; wishing that I did not have to be abroad all the time.

I can still remember that moment vividly. All were already in the room, waiting for my arrival. As I entered the room, I could see the faces of all my loved ones. The look of sadness and the silence overwhelmed the room. And Dad was lying on the bed, looking lifeless with an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. My heart sank.

Dad lifted his hand and asked me to go towards him. With heavy feet and heart, I extended my hand to hold his. It was cold. I miss the warm hand I used to hold whenever I needed comfort.

‘Boy…’

Just the way he used to call me when I was young.

‘Yes, Dad…’

‘Remember when you were young, during Christmas the year Grandpa passed away, you asked why there was only one present for you, not many like the years before and I answered ‘Because it is Christmas’?’

‘Yes, Dad, I can remember…’

‘That was because I wanted you to know that no matter what the situation is, Christmas should be celebrated for the reason it is celebrated. In my situation now, I do not think I will be there for the next Christmas. But no matter what, I want you to promise me that you will be back for Christmas to celebrate it with everyone, especially Mom. I want you to take good care of her, talk to her like how you have always shared your stories with me and most importantly, all of you to go to church together in the morning of Christmas.’

‘But, Dad…..’

‘No ‘but’, my son. Christmas is the day to celebrate the birth of our Saviour, the one who gave up His life to cleanse us all from our sins. My death will mean that I am going to where I came from, to Him the Almighty; therefore I do not want you all to mourn and lost the essence of Christmas. Therefore, I want the next Christmas to be just the same like when I am there; a week before Christmas spent decorating the home and Christmas tree; the night before Christmas spent gathering around the tree, counting down to 12am and the kids joyfully open their presents; the morning of Christmas spent attending mass and the rest of the day spent together sharing and counting your blessings with all the loved ones.’

I could no longer hold back my tears. The tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on my hand that was holding Dad’s hand. I strengthened my grip on his hand to assure him and said,

‘I will, Dad. Do not worry. You have always taught me that there is no one greater than the Lord and Christmas is about His glory and love and it is also the reason we are who and where we are today. And for that, I should be thankfully that God loves you very much, Dad. I thank Him for giving you to me; for all the love you gave to us; for all the care you showered us with; and most importantly, for being the head of the family who is always there for us.’

Dad tried his best to smile the widest he could. I could see the calmness in his face; no sign of suffering, pain or struggle. I could feel that the grip of his hand is slowly getting loosed. Everyone then gathered around his bed and tried to get hold of his hand. He managed to look at the teary faces and gave a smile and said,

‘I love all of you very much and I thank God every single day for every single one of you……..’

Saying his last sentence and looking at Mom, he then breathed his last and his hand slipped away from my hand.

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So this time, holding on to the promise I made to my Dad, I boarded the plane, knowing that Dad will always be there, in our hearts, to celebrate this joyful season with us. For Christmas is the reason I have Dad in my life, for the birth of Christ brings salvation to the Earth and to my family, I looked forward to be embraced by my loved ones this Christmas as I reach home.

I love you, Dad. Merry Christmas.

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Written with inspiration, I wrote this piece randomly. For this Christmas 2010. Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year 2011.

No.82 - Chances

i think another chance is all i need for these situations.

situation 1 : i am the leader of the flock. but i wasn't able to standby them for what they could not do. instead, i shy away and regret in the end, thinking of what might have been for if i could have backed them up.
so i just wished i have a chance to turn back the time and do what i supposed to do and save the shame. i'm stupid.

situation 2 : knowing my hero turned zero and giving the now-zero wrong treatment without knowing i did that. the best part was i am not too certain of what made my hero turned zero.
therefore, i think another chance is appropriate to be given for my hero to prove that zero is not the new label to be given.

chances are to be grabbed the moment they come by for they only come by chances, not all the time. therefore, i will try not to waste anymore chances that are to come.

No.81 - It Doesn't Matter

yes, it doesn't matter what you did as long as you're aware that it is right. you do not need to think what others might say about it.

self-conscious is the best.

yes, it doesn't matter what others want to think about how i feel, how i act, how i react and how i behave as long as i know i'm pleasing myself and not hurting others.

so, i decided i'll continue to do what i'm doing as long as i'm happy with it.

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it is temporary break now but i actually have a long list to complete. but it is ok, at least a little different from the routine i've been doing for a full month.